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A hole in my logic

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

I don't know if everyone would still visit this space anymore. I doubt anyone would read my post either. I know I have never touch this space for a very long time. But I just feel like blogging some thing, to lighten my heart. And hopefully, I will feel better.

Recently, I got back my result for mid year. It was totally atrocious. But It was expected, because I was never good in my studies. To be frank, I had been depending on luck for my studies. Till where I am now, I should say that I am pretty a lucky person. Even from the standard of english that I typed here, is completely similar to primary school standard.

People always compare me to my brother. They always mentioned how diligent, intelligent, gentle and how well he fared for his studies wise. When it comes to me, they always tell me "Why can't you be like your brother? Your brother is so much better than you. You should learn something from him". Simply these few words were enough to tear me down. I wonder have they ever know how much have they hurt me? I know I can never be like my brother. He's so much cleverer than me, much more handsome than me, so much better than me. Even when we two were toddles, so many of my relatives pampered my brother. They even bought playstation, lego, nitento and many other toys for him. I was puzzled that why don't I get an equally privilege as him? Till then, I found out that most of my relatives dislike me because I was a crybaby and I was an outrageous and implusive child, hence, my brother look so much cuter than me. I began to feel lonely. Whenever my relatives come to visit me, I will go to my mum's room close my door and not to let me see me, and I will begun to cry to myself. It hurts even more when I also found out that my parents wanted to abort me because I was not a female. They told me how regret they were to born me. I felt like I was a burden to them. Why were I ever born into this world? What have I done wrong? Why is it till now, they still compared me with my brother? I just do not understand why. I just want to be myself! I may have a bleak future, but I just want to live as the one and only quin weng.

I have a reason why I am so cheeky and outspoken. I tend to be so cheerful on the outside. Never had I failed to cling a wide smile on my ugly face. The reason is simply to disguise my emotion. I put on a strong front, so that my emotions will not affect others. I want to let others know that life is worth happy living, even till the very last second of a day is, also worth it. If I am given a choice, I would rather live myself this way. Although I know I will score lower than my brother for o lvl, but this doesn't matter. As long as I have tried my best and defeat myself, be it is ite or poly, I will also contented with myself. I really do not want to win him, though he may have a better life in future or what, I just want to live on with my own life even though he may stay at bigger houses, wealthier or whatsoever. All I ever wanted is simply nothing but just my own life.

I maybe a failure in my studies, but I am not a complete failure.